thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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