just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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