just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
