He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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