i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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