Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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