my sisters under your porch take her home
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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