3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He shit in the fireplace
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
