Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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