My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
