I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
