so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
