So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
