Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
