Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
