It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
