good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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