i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
