you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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