I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
