I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
