I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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