Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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