apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
