According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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