I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
