i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
