I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
