It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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