Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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