i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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