lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
