And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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