You were right. It hurts to walk today.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
