She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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