The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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