i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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