Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
