How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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