Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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