He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
