He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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