This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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