hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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