I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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