if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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