her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
smell my finger.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
