Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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