how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
