Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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