hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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