nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
