Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think my moral compass just broke
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
