and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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