im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
